whitecards.txt

A Gypsy curse
A moment of silence
A sausage festival
An honest cop with nothing left to lose
Famine
Flesh-eating bacteria
Flying sex snakes
Not giving a shit about the Third World
Sexting
Shapeshifters
Porn stars
72 virgins
A drive-by shooting
A time travel paradox
Authentic Mexican cuisine
Bling
Consultants
Crippling debt
Daddy issues
The Donald Trump Seal of Approval™
Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up
Former President George W. Bush
Full frontal nudity
Hormone injections
Laying an egg
Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon
Pretending to care
Public ridicule
Sharing needles
Boogers
The inevitable heat death of the universe
The miracle of childbirth
The Rapture
Whipping it out
White privilege
Wifely duties
The Hamburglar
AXE Body Spray
The Blood of Christ
Horrifying laser hair removal accidents
BATMAN!!!
Agriculture
A robust mongoloid
Natural selection
Coat hanger abortions
Eating all of the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale
Michelle Obama's arms
The World of Warcraft
Swooping
Obesity
A homoerotic volleyball montage
Lockjaw
A mating display
Testicular torsion
All-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99
Domino's™ Oreo™ Dessert Pizza
Kanye West
Hot cheese
Raptor attacks
Taking off your shirt
Smegma
Alcoholism
A middle-aged man on roller skates
The Care Bear Stare
Bingeing and purging
Oversized lollipops
Self-loathing
Children on leashes
Half-assed foreplay
The Holy Bible
German dungeon porn
Being on fire
Teenage pregnancy
Gandhi
Leaving an awkward voicemail
Uppercuts
Customer service representatives
An erection that lasts longer than four hours
My genitals
Picking up girls at the abortion clinic
Science
Not reciprocating oral sex
Flightless birds
A good sniff
Waterboarding
A balanced breakfast
Historically black colleges
Actually taking candy from a baby
The Make-A-Wish Foundation
A clandestine butt scratch
Passive-aggressive Post-it notes
The Chinese gymnastics team
Switching to Geico
Peeing a little bit
Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine
Nocturnal emissions
The Jews
My humps
Powerful thighs
Winking at old people
Mr. Clean, right behind you
A gentle caress of the inner thigh
Sexual tension
The forbidden fruit
Skeletor
Fancy Feast
Being rich
Sweet, sweet vengeance
Republicans
A gassy antelope
Natalie Portman
Copping a feel
Kamikaze pilots
Sean Connery
The homosexual agenda
The hardworking Mexican
A falcon with a cap on its head
Altar boys
The Kool-Aid Man
Getting so angry that you pop a boner
Free samples
A big hoopla about nothing
Doing the right thing
The Three-Fifths compromise
Lactation
World peace
RoboCop
Chutzpah
Justin Bieber
Oompa-Loompas
Inappropriate yodeling
Puberty
Ghosts
An asymmetric boob job
Vigorous jazz hands
Fingering
Glenn Beck catching his scrotum on a curtain hook
GoGurt
Police brutality
John Wilkes Booth
Preteens
Scalping
Stifling a giggle at the mention of Hutus and Tutsis
"Tweeting."
Darth Vader
A sad handjob
Exactly what you'd expect
Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor
Adderall™
Embryonic stem cells
Tasteful sideboob
Panda sex
An icepick lobotomy
Tom Cruise
Mouth herpes
Sperm whales
Homeless people
Third base
Incest
Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum
A mime having a stroke
Hulk Hogan
God
Scrubbing under the folds
Golden showers
Emotions
Licking things to claim them as your own
Pabst Blue Ribbon
The placenta
Spontaneous human combustion
Friends with benefits
Finger painting
Old-people smell
Dying of dysentery
My inner demons
A Super Soaker™ full of cat pee
Aaron Burr
Cuddling
The chronic
Cockfights
Friendly fire
Ronald Reagan
A disappointing birthday party
A sassy black woman
Mathletes
A tiny horse
William Shatner
Riding off into the sunset
An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist
Jew-fros
Mutually-assured destruction
Pedophiles
Yeast
Grave robbing
Eating the last known bison
Catapults
Poor people
Forgetting the Alamo
The Hustle
The Force
Wiping her butt
Intelligent design
Loose lips
AIDS
Pictures of boobs
The Übermensch
Sarah Palin
American Gladiators
Getting really high
Scientology
Penis envy
Praying the gay away
Frolicking
Two midgets shitting into a bucket
The KKK
Genghis Khan
Crystal meth
Serfdom
Stranger danger
A Bop It™
Shaquille O'Neal's acting career
Prancing
Vigilante justice
Overcompensation
Pixelated bukkake
A lifetime of sadness
Racism
Dwarf tossing
Sunshine and rainbows
A monkey smoking a cigar
Flash flooding
Lance Armstrong's missing testicle
Dry heaving
The terrorists
Britney Spears at 55
Attitude
Breaking out into song and dance
Leprosy
Gloryholes
Nipple blades
The heart of a child
Puppies!
Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot
Dental dams
Toni Morrison's vagina
The taint; the grundle; the fleshy fun-bridge
Active listening
Ethnic cleansing
The Little Engine That Could
The invisible hand
Waiting ‘til marriage
Unfathomable stupidity
Euphoria™ by Calvin Klein
Re-gifting
Autocannibalism
Erectile dysfunction
My collection of high-tech sex toys
The Pope
White people
Tentacle porn
Glenn Beck convulsively vomiting as a brood of crab spiders hatches in his brain and erupts from his tear ducts
Too much hair gel
Seppuku
Same-sex ice dancing
Cheating in the Special Olympics
Charisma
Keanu Reeves
Sean Penn
Nickelback
A look-see
Pooping back and forth. Forever
Menstruation
Kids with ass cancer
A salty surprise
The South
The violation of our most basic human rights
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS
Being fabulous
Necrophilia
Centaurs
Bill Nye the Science Guy
Black people
Chivalry
Lunchables™
Bitches
The profoundly handicapped
Heartwarming orphans
MechaHitler
Fiery poops
Another goddamn vampire movie
Tangled Slinkys
The true meaning of Christmas
Estrogen
A zesty breakfast burrito
That thing that electrocutes your abs
Passing a kidney stone
A bleached asshole
Michael Jackson
Cybernetic enhancements
Guys who don't call
Smallpox blankets
Masturbation
Classist undertones
Queefing
Concealing a boner
Edible underpants
Viagra
Soup that is too hot
Muhammad (Praise Be Unto Him)
Surprise sex!
Five-Dollar Footlongs™
Drinking alone
Dick fingers
Multiple stab wounds
Soiling oneself
Child abuse
Anal beads
Civilian casualties
Pulling out
Robert Downey, Jr
Horse meat
A really cool hat
Kim Jong-il
A stray pube
Jewish fraternities
The token minority
Doin' it in the butt
Feeding Rosie O'Donnell
Teaching a robot to love
A can of whoop-ass
A windmill full of corpses
Count Chocula
Wearing underwear inside-out to avoid doing laundry
A death ray
The glass ceiling
A cooler full of organs
The American Dream
Keg stands
When you fart and a little bit comes out
Take-backsies
Dead babies
Foreskin
Saxophone solos
Italians
A fetus
Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog
Dick Cheney
Amputees
Eugenics
My relationship status
Christopher Walken
Bees?
Harry Potter erotica
College
Getting drunk on mouthwash
Nazis
8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin
Stephen Hawking talking dirty
Dead parents
Object permanence
Opposable thumbs
Racially-biased SAT questions
Jibber-jabber
Chainsaws for hands
Nicolas Cage
Child beauty pageants
Explosions
Sniffing glue
Glenn Beck being harried by a swarm of buzzards
Repression
Roofies
My vagina
Assless chaps
A murder most foul
Giving 110 percent
Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II
The Trail of Tears
Being marginalized
Goblins
Hope
The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
A micropenis
My soul
A hot mess
Vikings
Hot people
Seduction
An Oedipus complex
Geese
Global warming
New Age music
Hot Pockets
Making a pouty face
Vehicular manslaughter
Women's suffrage
A defective condom
Judge Judy
African children
The Virginia Tech Massacre
Barack Obama
Asians who aren't good at math
Elderly Japanese men
Exchanging pleasantries
Heteronormativity
Parting the Red Sea
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Road head
Spectacular abs
Figgy pudding
A mopey zoo lion
A bag of magic beans
Poor life choices
My sex life
Auschwitz
A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis
A thermonuclear detonation
The clitoris
The Big Bang
Land mines
Friends who eat all the snacks
Goats eating cans
The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
Jerking off into a pool of children's tears
Man meat
Me time
The Underground Railroad
Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes
A sea of troubles
Lumberjack fantasies
Morgan Freeman's voice
Women in yogurt commercials
Natural male enhancement
Being a motherfucking sorcerer
Genital piercings
Passable transvestites
Sexy pillow fights
Balls
Grandma
Friction
Party poopers
Farting and walking away
Being a dick to children
Booby-trapping the house to foil burglars
The Tempur-Pedic Swedish Sleep System™
Dying
Hurricane Katrina
The gays
The folly of man
Men
The Amish
Pterodactyl eggs
Team-building exercises
A brain tumor
Cards Against Humanity
Fear itself
Lady Gaga
The milk man
A foul mouth
A big black dick
A beached whale
A bloody pacifier
A crappy little hand
A low standard of living
A nuanced critique
Panty raids
A passionate Latino lover
A rival dojo
A web of lies
A woman scorned
Clams
Apologizing
Appreciative snapping
Neil Patrick Harris
Beating your wives
Being a dinosaur
Shaft
Bosnian chicken farmers
Nubile slave boys
Carnies
Coughing into a vagina
Suicidal thoughts
Dancing with a broom
Deflowering the princess
Dorito breath
Eating an albino
Enormous Scandinavian women
Fabricating statistics
Finding a skeleton
Gandalf
Genetically engineered super-soldiers
George Clooney's musk
Getting abducted by Peter Pan
Getting in her pants, politely
Gladiatorial combat
Good grammar
Hipsters
Historical revisionism
Insatiable bloodlust
Jafar
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Just the tip
Mad hacky-sack skills
Leveling up
Literally eating shit
Making the penises kiss
Media coverage
Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament
Moral ambiguity
My machete
One thousand Slim Jims
Ominous background music
Overpowering your father
Pistol-whipping a hostage
Quiche
Quivering jowls
Revenge fucking
Ripping into a man's chest and pulling out his still-beating heart
Ryan Gosling riding in on a white horse
Santa Claus
Scrotum tickling
Sexual humiliation
Sexy Siamese twins
Slow motion
Space muffins
Statistically validated stereotypes
Sudden Poop Explosion Disease
The boners of the elderly
The economy
The Fanta girls
The Gulags
The harsh light of day
The hiccups
The shambling corpse of Larry King
The four arms of Vishnu
Being a busy adult with many important things to do
Tripping balls
Words, words, words
Zeus's sexual appetites